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Thursday
13
June
2013
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He took another sip of whiskey while his cigar was still burning up in the ashtray. “It’s too damn early for a drink” he thought while pouring another glass. The sun was just waking up shooting darts of light into the dark. Lost in his thoughts he stood tormented by endless questions breaking his inner peace. His eyes cried disappointment and even rage. “Whore” he uttered between his teeth as if wanted her to hear him. Then he felt guilty not only for saying it but also for thinking it. He looked at their picture lying on table and thought “Who are you? What have you done with her? You’re nothing but a shadow of the one I fell in love with?”. She was there no more, at least that’s how he felt. “What am I supposed to do without you? I am nothing without you…but I don’t know who you are“:

“Nothing Without You”

It’s the quiet night that breaks me.
I cannot stand the sight of this familiar place.
It’s the quiet night that breaks me,
like a dozen papercuts that only I can trace.
All my books are lying useless now.
All my maps will only show me how to lose my way.
Oh call my name.
You know my name.
And in that sound, everything will change.
Tell me it won’t always be this hard.
I am nothing without you, but I don’t know who you are.
It’s the crowded room that breaks me:
everybody looks so luminous, and strangely young.
It’s the crowded room that’s never heard.
No one here can say a word of my native tongue.
I can’t be among them anymore.
I fold myself away before it burns me numb.
Oh call my name.
You know my name.
And in your love, everything will change.
Tell me it won’t always be this hard.
I am nothing without you, but I don’t know who you are.

He felt trapped between two worlds, one where she was his entire reason of being and another one in black and white, with no taste, no shapes, no feelings. “Why did you changed?” he thought but then he remembered. People don’t change. But if people don’t change it means that this is who she is and “if this is who you are, I don’t like you, I don’t need you, I don’t want you…I don’t love you anymore” he talked to her picture. And how much he wanted that to be true. “I am tired of giving you second chances, of always waiting for you, hoping. It’s funny how things seem so much clearer now. You’re fading away, losing your perfection”, he said continuing his conversation with her picture. “You once asked me if you reminded me of her…you didn’t…now you do…oh boy how you do. Same superficial, egocentric, unstable being, always running from yourself, pretending to be happy just because you have a safety net where to fall. Well you can’t hide from yourself forever. You can hide from everyone else and put up a smile but you can’t hide from yourself. You said this is nothing like everything you’ve ever lived, then how come it looks exactly the same? How come you’re driving it to the freaking same direction? Can’t you see that we’ve simply changed roles? I am you and this is yet another new old story. At least I can understand now why it wasn’t meant to be before: because of you, of how you are, of what you are”. He didn’t realize his hands were shaking holding tight their picture. He saw tears in her eyes and heard her voice suddenly coming from the lifeless paper: “Why do you feel the need to hurt me? she said. How much do you think I can take? Do you think it’s easy for me? I’ve never asked for anything from you, just to accept me and love me for who I am, in spite of my weaknesses. I need you but I also need not to need…I’ve always been the tower but now I feel like I’m the flower trying to bloom in snow”

“The Tower”

The one who survives by making the lives
Of others worthwhile
She’s coming apart
Tight before my eyes
The one who depends on the services she renders
To those who come knocking
She’s seeing too clearly what she can’t be
What understanding defies
She says I need not to need
Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won’t let go
I need not to need
I’ve always been the tower
But now I feel like I’m the flower trying to bloom in snow
She turns up the light
Anticipating night falling tenderly around her
Watches the dusk
The words won’t come
She carries the act so convincingly
The fact is sometimes she believes it
She can be happy with the way things are
Be happy with the things she’s done
And yet I need not to need
Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won’t let go
I need not to need
I’ve always been the tower
But now I feel like I’m the flower trying to bloom in snow
Reach out, hold back
Where is safety
Reach out and hold back
Where is the one who can change me
Where is the one
The one
Reach out, hold back
Where is safety
Reach out and hold back
Where is the one who can save me
Where is the one
The one
I need not to need
Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won’t let go
I need not to need
I’ve always been the tower
But now I feel like I’m the flower trying to bloom in snow
I feel like I’m the flower trying to bloom in the snow
The danger and the power
Friend and the foe

“You are not going to word your way out this time. I no longer believe in your words. I don’t care anymore. he said coldly. “I love you” she said. He remained silent for a few seconds and then whispered as only for himself. “But you’re not in love with me, not anymore. Now I understand why you’ve always said that you don’t deserve the good things happening to you…because you really don’t. This is why we simply can’t be.” . “You don’t mean that” she said feeling vulnerable. “Does it matter if I mean it or not? Can’t you understand that I no longer know who I am, what I want? You were supposed to help me find myself not lose myself. And no, you didn’t ask for anything from me but that’s only because you’re not willing to give anything. I could but I don’t want to…remember this? I keep hearing it over and over. You never asked for anything and yet I gave you all, and you took it all. I gave you my fucking all”. “And I didn’t?” she cried, “Do you think I didn’t? Can’t you understand that this is who I am?”. “You are who you are, I am who I am, he replied.“We are the same but our lives move along and the third one replaces what once was love“:

“Between”

We are not together here
Though we lie entwined
To make room for the other presence
We both draw back in our minds
I have a prophecy
Threatening to spill into words
This growing certainty
Of Over
There once was a time I was sure of the bond
When my hands and my tongue and my thoughts were enough
We are the same but our lives move along
And the third one between replaces what once was love
Freedom is being alone
I fear liberation
But something more alive than silence
Swallows conversation
No pleasing drama
In subtle averted eyes
The swelling fermata
As the chord dies
There’s no denying we feel the third one
We do
I’m tired of hiding and so are you

He watched the picture burning and the flames devoured him inside. He just stood there empty…with empty eyes, in an empty house, with an empty glass, holding an empty frame…empty hearted.

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